After decades of debate, with neither the skeptics nor the warmists prevailing in the global warming debate, a decision was made to settle the matter once and for all in a poker game, winner take all. For the historical record, a microphone was placed on the dealer. Following are excerpts from the tournament which took place in 2035 AD:
No Mr Jones, you CANNOT erase the cards and draw your own numbers on them.
Mr Mann, I’m sorry, but you cannot bring your own cards to the table and just substitute some of them when it suits you.
Mr Briffa I can see you have the ace of spades, that’s very nice. But the rules don’t allow you to decide that the other 51 cards no longer count.
Back to you Mr Jones, where did you put those cards you were trying to erase? What do you mean you LOST them? No! We can’t just go on playing without them!
Mr Hansen, I’m sorry, you lost this hand. No Mr Hansen, a straight does not beat a flush. No Mr Hansen, you did not have four of a kind. Look Mr Hansen, you are not an officer of the law, so you can’t put me in jail because you lost the hand. And PREDICTING that you would have four of a kind is not the SAME as having four of a kind.
Put those chips back Mr Ravetz! Poker is about uncertainty, that doesn’t mean you can take half the chips “just in case”. What? Its “urgent”? Look, if you gotta go pee, then go, but you can’t take half the chips with you just because you MIGHT win the hand!
Who the heck are you now? Mugabe? Am I pronouncing that right? Yes you can enter a team late… no… you have to pay for your own chips you can’t make everyone else give you a few of theirs.
Oh for gosh sakes will the interruptions never end? Who are you now? Really? From the UN? I’m impressed…. what… NO! You can’t just decide who the winner is in advance, that’s not how poker works! Well I don’t CARE how many people studied it or how thick your report is… huh? Look, it doesn’t matter if 13,000 professional poker players reviewed your predictions, it doesn’t change how many chips Mr Jones has left!
JONES! Stop that right now! You can’t erase the numbers on the cards and you can’t change the numbers on the chips EITHER. What? You aren’t changing them you’re adjusting them? NO! You can’t adjust them, and you can’t compare your adjustments to Hansen’s adjustments… wait, you’re saying Hansen made adjustments too… Stop that, BOTH of you!
Sigh. Another late entry, sit down young lady. What was the name? Curry? Here are your chips Ms Curry. Now what team are you on, warmist or skeptic? Uh, no, you can’t play for both, you have to pick one. No you can’t wait until one team wins and then decide. OK warmist it is. Ok, skeptic. Ok, warmist…. Ok warmist it is.
Welcome back Mr Ravetz, you are looking much better now, not so uncertain anymore. Uh, yes, I see you brought your own rule book. Well yes, I can see where rule number 24 says it is urgent for you to win. I can see the white out you wrote on top of too… and that’s your rule book not the house rule book, it doesn’t count.
Mr Jones, you have to show me your cards, you can’t just declare yourself the winner of the hand. No, I am sorry, you have to show ME the cards. What? No, it doesn’t matter if you showed them to Briffa and Mann, I can’t just take their word for it, you have to show them to ME. What do you mean why? Because I am the dealer, THAT’s why. It’s my job to look at the cards to verify them. HEY! stop cutting up those cards! Mr Mann I SAW you slide your own cards onto the table while I was grabbing the scissors from Jones, you can’t DO that…. Briffa! Briffa! why are you throwing all the cards in the garbage? NO! keeping the ace of spades does NOT make it the most powerfull card in the world, I already TOLD you that. And origami is very nice but you shouldn’t fold the cards up like that. Yes I know what you made, you made it look like a hockey stick… NO! that doesn’t mean you won!
I QUIT! This is INSANE! I am taking my dog sled team and going back across the ice to Florida where I came from, you bozos can settle this global warming thing on your own!